Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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