I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
