So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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