I wish they made helmets for livers.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize