It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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