I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
