Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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