I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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