1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
40s are totally the cure
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
