i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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