She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
