I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
