Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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