Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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