come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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