I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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