ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
