Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
