I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
