you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
