theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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