There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
