If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
MIDGETS
????
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
