I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
