Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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