Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
