Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I want to make a zoo with you.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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