I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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