the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize