dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
