did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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