Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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