Your tits are I can't wait for
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
