just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Is Oprah even human
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize