everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
