meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
