So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
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