I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
