Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
