My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
