I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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