Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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