Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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