Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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