About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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