Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
