He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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