i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
