i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
