Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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