They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
