you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
