All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
