We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize