i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
