I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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