You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
