clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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