We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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