I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
