Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
