I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
