My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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