filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she told me i tasted like america
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize