I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
