My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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