I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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