my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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